Friday, March 18, 2011

D/s for Dummies... or Beginners

(Yes, the promised Wednesday How-To is a little late... but I'm a Domme, damnit! I can break my own rules if I want.)

Seven + years into my full-time D/s lifestyle, I have a difficult time trying to remember my marriage in its infancy. When we met, j was hopelessly vanilla in behavior, though he had some D/s fantasies (that he did not share with me until later). I was kinkier and definitely more Dominant outside the bedroom, but was used to my boyfriends being more the aggressors in the bedroom.

It led to a few years of frustration for both of us – j wanting something that he was afraid to put into words, and me wanting to control him but not realizing that control could exist in the bedroom as well.

All of this came to a head one night during a heated discussion. I felt let down that j seemed uninterested in sex, and I was not afraid to tell him how disappointed I was. Out of nowhere, he said, “I want you to take control.” That was the beginning of it, and despite a few bumps in the road, j and I are very happy that we are travelling this path together.

There are quite a few words of advice I would offer to couples interested in incorporating Dominance and submission into their relationship. First, make sure you are both on the same page, or at least reading the same book. Communication is key. Both partners should have similar expectations of what they want from the experience.

Find a checklist online of different activities. Fill them out separately and then compare them. Talk about each one. You will be surprised how your feelings on things may change as you move forward in your relationship. Things I had no interest in years ago are now vital parts of our lifestyle.

Start slowly! At first, especially when you find a willing partner, you want to try and do everything. There are so many new experiences, new toys, new things to try. Don’t do everything at once. You may even need to be as regimented as saying, “Only one new thing a month.”

Inevitably, there will be ebbs and flows in the prominence of D/s in your relationship. Even our marriage, which we consider to be 24/7, has times when we just put it on the shelf for a while. Responsibilities at work, children and family obligations, stressors of all kinds can impact your desire to explore D/s. Don’t let it get you down- it’s NORMAL, and you likely will come back to right where you left off once things have resolved, sometimes with a renewed interest.

Consider the psychological ramifications of the things you might do. This is a biggie for me. There are a lot of things that may just need to remain fantasies. Communication is so important. There are doors that, once opened, cannot be closed again. Consider this especially when engaging in extreme play, such as extreme sadism, cuckolding, or humiliation. There are some partners for whom these things would not be damaging, but others who might find them shattering to their core. It’s not worth the thousands of dollars in potential psychiatry bills.

Being open is great, but be careful whom you choose to share this with. I tend to be a little overly cautious in this area, but that’s just me. I have a few close friends I have come out to, and my sister, but that has been it. In general I choose to keep this part of me secret.

Most of all, enjoy yourselves! Have fun, explore who you are and what makes you tick. Take notes along the way... heck, start your own blog. This lifestyle is a journey, and everyone's path is just a little different.


  1. Dear SF - thanks for sharing your thoughts on these matters. There is a lot more to consider in a D/s relationship than just the next scene. If I may ask, are you always in control in the bedroom or are there times when J takes charge?

  2. I have just recently found your blog, but I have been reading your husbands for over a year I think. I didn't realize you had one too.

    I am really enjoying your posts...

    Just wanted to say hello.

    I have a blog as well if you want to stop by...we have not been posting a ton lately as my sam has had more than his share of health issues the past 10 months, but things should be picking up soon with more juicy things to post about.

  3. dave94 - Yes, I am always control in the bedroom. I have no desire to submit to j or anyone else - that's just not who I am. I understand that works for some people, but not this Domme. ;-) Thanks for asking!

  4. Miss Christina,

    Welcome! Glad to have you here. Many times my husband and I both write about the same events that have occurred, so it can be interesting to read both of our takes on it. We are thinking about incorporating the two blogs into one site, but that takes time... time that could be spent on D/s fun!

    Glad you found me!!

  5. I have been reading your blog recently as , my husband has expressed wanting to explore a submissive / domme relationship. It has been something that I am very interested in and have been for a while as he. The most difficult thing I find in getting to this point is communication. He has a extremely difficult time expressing wants/ needs / feelings. It seems the more I get closer the more he pulls away from going there. I know he has a profile on at least one bondage type website and has for many years. So, thank you for sharing . Yours is the best I have found so far.

  6. this was VERy enjoyable to read. my Daddy and were at the same point of wanting more and now we got it :)

    Humble little girl

  7. At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend expressed interest in wanting me to control him but I have no clue where to start. He's sent me links but they've never helped and I'm trying to do my own research. We're almost 8 months into our relationship and I'm still kind of nervous and don't really know what to do. Every now and then I'll get something right. Help? :(